your doorstep Pages: 1 2 All Where is your power center? Is it in you or in other people or circumstances? Paradoxically, controlling people often believe that they don t have control over their lives or even themselves. Control is important to co-dependents. Many attempt to control what they can t (other people) rather than controlling what they can (themselves, their feelings, and their actions). Without realizing it, they re controlled by others, their addictions, fear, and guilt. People who control their lives and destinies are happier and more successful. Rather than feeling like a victim of others or fate, they are motivated from within and believe that their efforts generate results, for better or worse. Both belief and experience enable them to function autonomously. This article explores autonomy, locus of control, and self-efficacy as important factors in motivation and offers suggestions to help you feel a greater sense of control. Autonomy The word autonomy comes from the combination of the Latin words for self and law. It means that you govern your own life and that you endorse your actions. You may still be influenced by outside factors, but all things considered, your behavior reflects your choice. (There are philosophical and sociological debates about free will and self-determination which are beyond the scope of this article.) Across cultures, autonomy is a fundamental human need. People who experience autonomy report higher levels of psychological health and social functioning. They have an increased sense of well-being and self-esteem. When you value yourself, you re more able to claim your autonomy. It s a feeling of both separateness and wholeness that permits you to feel separate when in a relationship and complete when on your own. You feel independent and are able to say no to pressure from others. Your actions are determined by your beliefs, needs, and values, which give you more control over thoughts and emotions. It s the opposite of being a rebel or people-pleaser. A rebel s thoughts and actions aren t autonomous. They re an oppositional reaction to an outside authority and thereby they become controlled by it. Actually, autonomy allows you to listen to someone non-defensively and modify your views to incorporate new information. When you lack autonomy, you re more controlled by what others do, think, and feel, and adapt accordingly. You react to and worry about someone else s expectations and reactions and defer to their opinion. You might have difficulty making decisions and taking action on your own. Instead, you re easily influenced by or seek out others opinions. This tendency both stems from and reinforces low self-esteem. Lack of autonomy and self-esteem can cause many symptoms, such as: stress addiction domestic violence emotional abuse communication problems worry and anxiety guilt, and anger Development of Will Individuation , the process of becoming a separate individual psychologically and cognitively, begins in infancy and continues into adulthood. A baby must first feel safe with its mother and caretakers. Psychoanalyst Erik Erikson believed that basic trust or mistrust takes hold in the first 18 months of development and is dependent on consistent comfort and fulfillment of an infant s basic needs. If caregivers are emotionally unavailable, rejecting, or inconsistent, the child won t have a sense of safety in the world. Related Articles Pages: 1 2 All About Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and expert on relationships and codependency. She s the author of Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You and Codependency for Dummies and six ebooks, including: 10 Steps to Self-Esteem , How To Speak Your Mind - Become Assertive and Set Limits , Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People , and Freedom from Guilt and Blame - Finding Self-Forgiveness , available on her website, http://www.whatiscodependency.com and Amazon. Ms. Lancer has counseled individuals and couples for 28 years and coaches internationally. She s a sought-after speaker in media and at professional conferences. Her articles appear in professional journals and Internet mental health websites, including on her own, where you can get a free copy of 14 Tips for Letting Go. Find her on Youtube.com, Soundcloud, Twitter @darlenelancer, and at www.Facebook.com/codependencyrecovery. View all posts by Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT Hot Topics Today 1 PTSD Patients Show Heightened Sensitivity to Deviant Sounds 2 Developing the Evidence Base for Mindfulness Therapies 3 Dominant Hand May Begin in Womb 4 Why Empaths and Sensitives Must Take Special Care of Their Energies 5 5 Types of People Who Are Naturally Attracted to Each Other Most Popular News PTSD Patients Show Heightened Sensitivity to Deviant Sounds Developing the Evidence Base for Mindfulness Therapies Dominant Hand May Begin in Womb Bipolar or Depression? Heart Test May Help Tell the Difference Avatar Therapy May Ease Schizophrenia Symptoms Join Over 195,000 Subscribers to Our Weekly Newsletter Find a Therapist Enter ZIP or postal code remember the fact that
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