most commonly When shame becomes toxic, it can ruin our lives. Everyone experiences shame at one time another. It s an emotion with physical symptoms like any other that come and go, but when it s severe, it can be extremely painful. Strong feelings of shame stimulate the sympathetic nervous system, causing a fight/flight/freeze reaction. We feel exposed and want to hide or react with rage, while feeling profoundly alienated from others and good parts of ourselves. We may not be able to think or talk clearly and be consumed with self-loathing, which is made worse because we re unable to be rid of ourselves. We all have our own specific triggers or tender points that produce feelings of shame. The intensity of our experience varies, too, depending upon our prior life experiences, cultural beliefs, personality, and the activating event. Unlike ordinary shame, internalized shame hangs around and alters our self-image. It s shame that has become toxic, a term first coined by Sylvan Tomkins in the early 1960s in his scholarly examination of human affect. For some people, toxic shame can monopolize their personality, while for others, it lies beneath their conscious awareness, but can easily be triggered. Characteristics of Toxic Shame Toxic shame differs from ordinary shame, which passes in a day or a few hours, in the following respects: It can hide in our unconscious, so that we re unaware that we have shame. When we experience shame, it lasts much longer. The feelings and pain associated with shame are of greater intensity. An external event isn t required to trigger it. Our own thoughts can bring on feelings of shame. It leads to shame spirals that cause depression and feelings of hopelessness and despair. It causes chronic shame anxiety the fear of experiencing shame. It s accompanied by voices, images, or beliefs originating in childhood and is associated with a negative shame story about ourselves. We needn t recall the original source of the immediate shame, which usually originated in childhood or a prior trauma. It creates deep feelings of inadequacy. Shame-Based Beliefs The fundamental belief underlying shame is that I m unlovable not worthy of connection. Usually, internalized shame manifests as one of the following beliefs or a variation thereof: I m stupid. I m unattractive (especially to a romantic partner). I m a failure. I m a bad person. I m a fraud or a phony. I m selfish. I m not enough (this belief can be applied to numerous areas). I hate myself. I don t matter. I m defective or inadequate. I shouldn t have been born. I m unlovable. The Cause of Toxic Shame In most cases, shame becomes internalized or toxic from chronic or intense experiences of shame in childhood. Parents can unintentionally transfer their shame to their children through verbal messages or nonverbal behavior. For an example, a child might feel unloved in reaction to a parent s depression, indifference, absence, or irritability or feel inadequate due to a parent s competitiveness or over-correcting behavior. Children need to feel uniquely loved by both parents. When that connection is breached, such as when a child is scolded harshly, children feel alone and ashamed, unless the parent-child bond of love is soon repaired. However, even if shame has been internalized, it can be surmounted by later positive experiences. If not healed, toxic shame can lead to aggression, depression, eating disorders , PTSD , and addiction. It generates low self-esteem, anxiety, irrational guilt, perfectionism, and codependency, and it limits our ability to enjoy satisfying relationships and professional success. We can heal from toxic shame and build our self-esteem. To learn more about how to do so and the eight steps to heal, read Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You . Darlene Lancer 2015 Related Articles About Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and expert on relationships and codependency. She s the author of Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You and Codependency for Dummies and six ebooks, including: 10 Steps to Self-Esteem , How To Speak Your Mind - Become Assertive and Set Limits , Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People , and Freedom from Guilt and Blame - Finding Self-Forgiveness , available on her website, http://www.whatiscodependency.com and Amazon. Ms. Lancer has counseled individuals and couples for 28 years and coaches internationally. She s a sought-after speaker in media and at professional conferences. Her articles appear in professional journals and Internet mental health websites, including on her own, where you can get a free copy of 14 Tips for Letting Go. Find her on Youtube.com, Soundcloud, Twitter @darlenelancer, and at www.Facebook.com/codependencyrecovery. View all posts by Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT Hot Topics Today 1 PTSD Patients Show Heightened Sensitivity to Deviant Sounds 2 Developing the Evidence Base for Mindfulness Therapies 3 Dominant Hand May Begin in Womb 4 Why Empaths and Sensitives Must Take Special Care of Their Energies 5 5 Types of People Who Are Naturally Attracted to Each Other Most Popular News PTSD Patients Show Heightened Sensitivity to Deviant Sounds Developing the Evidence Base for Mindfulness Therapies Dominant Hand May Begin in Womb Bipolar or Depression? Heart Test May Help Tell the Difference Avatar Therapy May Ease Schizophrenia Symptoms Join Over 195,000 Subscribers to Our Weekly Newsletter Find a Therapist Enter ZIP or postal code equipment
apartment What is Toxic Shame? family member
EmoticonEmoticon